Holding Space for Hitler

an email exchange

Hi Andy:

I talked to Ken Christmon about the Hitler quote on the Diversity Wall, and he agreed that, as offensive as it is, it is not a threat, and doesn't promote violence. We would have a completely different reaction to a swastika or other threatening symbol. 

Because my conversation with you got me thinking, we've scheduled a "Let's Talk About the Election" forum for noon to 1:15 p.m. on Thursday, Dec. 1. Ken is going to moderate the discussion, and I'm hoping you'll be able to be there, and will feel comfortable bringing up the Hitler quote as an example of a hostile environment. 

Anyway, thank you so much for talking with me, and educating me. And I meant it when I invited you to stop by anytime to talk!

Best,

Julie 

Good morning Julie and Ken,

Every day, students are seeing these things on the news, in our social media, and shared directly between us in our daily concerned conversations:

 on a school dorm last weekend 

 on another college campus post-election

I can give so many more photos of people celebrating the election results, be it on a ballfield or on a church, it doesn't matter, this is not a series of isolated incidents. This is the very real national climate of hate we live within. The student body carries the full emotional weight of this with us as we move about our daily lives.

The Southern Poverty Law Center is tracking these post-election hate crimes, and a large proportion are taking place on universities (bar at bottom of chart):

And it's not just "those universities over there". This is our university. This is us.

​

​This is happening here. This has cost me considerable energy spent away from focusing on my studies. My friend who also saw it reported that she couldn't even pay attention during her next class because this was on her mind, and missed out on learning a good deal of the material that day. IN this way, holding space for hate directly interferes with the educational mission of IPFW.

I am baffled how the leader of the entire movement which the swastika has come to represent is not a symbol of hate. What does it take for people to recognize the name of Hitler as an active and relevent hate symbol? Does it need to have a "heil" before it? Does it need to be abbreviated as "HH" or "88", to emulate visual qualities we often associate with iconography, before we take the need to protect our student body seriously?

You would have me appear before an open forum of students, 2 weeks from now, and explain to them in great detail how you have already failed them. In your own words you admit this situation is creating a hostile environment; that would be the entire reason for me to raise this issue in the proposed discussion. In fact, I would be causing active harm to the student body by reassuring white supremacists on campus that their hate already has been given a place here without repercussions.

It is not timely to wait for even more explicit (how much more explicit do we need?!) examples of hate before taking a decisive and proactive stance against it. We already know there are people on campus willing and able to harass students, targeting their gender, and it is no stretch to say this complete disregard for the well-being of others couldn't easily find more diverse targets. Waiting for more hate, just to be sure it's really happening to us, is not good enough.

We need a decisive and actively enforced policy that we don't hold space for hate, or else we need to preemptively remove the opportunities for people to voice their hate in the first place.

Toward the end of our friendly conversation yesterday, Julie stated that you wanted to make a point of remembering to wear you safety pin every day now. The reasons given behind the movement of wearing the safety pin symbol include: "I will protect whoever I can. I will speak up when I see injustice done."  I am pleading with you not to render hollow this symbol of hope.  Now is exactly the moment when you need to protect those you have the power to protect when you see injustice being done.

Now is the moment for action.

Andy Semler

Creativity & Community Reflection

At the beginning of the semester, I went over what I hoped to get out of this class.  Now that I've reached the end, here again are the list of class objectives, followed by what I actually got out of it.

• To create public spaces for creative/critical thought and action 

I  created a space for people to share their experiences in a public way, critically analyze the space and its impact on them, and create community together.  Moving forward, I hope to enable many more spaces that provide a variety of ways people can thrive.

• To recognize and creatively reframe binary oppositions of thought and language

The issue of "safety vs visibility" came up, and I found a way to bring both together by making the stories visible rather than the storytellers.  This is something I am continuing to incorporate into my approach to life.

• To work with and against the “enabling constraints” of various forms of discourse

The "safety vs visibility" binary felt disabling at first, but by considering how those two elements might guide my project, I was able to create something a publication I wouldn't have thought to otherwise.  I am hoping to use these skills to guide the discourse within spaces that I inhabit throughout life.

• To learn how to make good use of diversity and difference as the necessary “friction” of creativity

Every person had a different way of telling their story, and it was up to me to anticipate those differences and to make sure I was accommodating many possible storytellers rather than preempting their participation.  This is something I already was experienced with, but I welcomed the opportunity to expand those skills in a new area.

• To shape writerly identities that foster both personal growth and social change. 

Through this project, my identity took on a new shape, both within the community and within my understanding of myself.  I am better equipped to serve our needs and to advocate for a society that makes space for us.

• To understand how discourse is shaped by specific spaces and places and how those assist and/or disrupt community formation. 

I was able to see how this area shapes our identities, and how we in turn shape this area. Many of us are hindered in our development by prejudiced attitudes, but we also manage to find a way to forge stronger bonds together than we would otherwise.

• To write yourselves into forms, identities, and spaces that matter to you and that will bring you into deeper engagement with diverse communities. 

I initially had difficulty finding myself, but now I can see who we all are in relation with each other and Kosciusko County, and a way we can grow this community together.

Sharing Stories with the Community

I was a little nervous about how the public discussion would go, on the stories I'd gathered for my project.  I had 3 exams and a paper also due that same week, so not a whole lot of time left over for editing the blog of stories or for creating the booklet.  Somehow I managed to squeeze it all in.  I even was able to roll with a host of technological frustrations resulting from my preferred printer being inaccessible (since my dad's work was closed for Good Friday), and the one I was able to use took me 2 hours to figure out how to get the margins correct and then to print 15 double-sided 8-page booklets on the world's slowest ink-jet printer.  Fortunately, I succeeded in time for supper!  But I was still nervous because I hadn't the spare time to plan out what I was going to say in advance.

I had reserved the room at Cafe Mod East in Warsaw several weeks in advance.  It only cost $25, and $15 of that was applicable toward coffee for the room, so I got a 5-serving coffee pot and a light blue sugary drink to occupy my child who was with me on his own spring break.  That only placated him slightly, and he seemed interested neither in joining in the conversation (even when it pertained to his own experiences directly) nor in quitting his quest to ask me to watch videos on the computer I was using for the discussion.  He was particularly unimpressed that it wasn't my fault that my mother, who was going to pick him up to spend the weekend with her, had skipped out on the discussion she said she'd attend in order to hang out with my brother.  Guess this project just didn't mean as much to her as it does to me, even though I thought I had made my feelings clear to her.  Nobody was rude at all about his interruptions, I should point out, and he did eventually score use of the laptop halfway through, mostly due to pity.

There were 7 of us total, 4 of whom weren't from my household.  Interestingly, even though straight people had RSVP'd, none of them actually showed.  Very few had sent me stories to begin with, even though I had made a specific call for straight people to submit their stories, in response to the disparity.  I'm not disappointed or upset by that, but it does follow my continuing observation that whatever "dialog" the local community claims to wish to hold regarding LGBT issues, their words are not matched by actions.  Or maybe they're talking about us without us.

On the positive side, this meant that we could be very open and honest about how we reacted to the different experiences shared, without self-censorship.  We touched upon the ways we felt the local church communities had failed us (both as people with same-gender attraction and as people with mental health concerns - a surprising amount of overlap there in congregational reactions), and what ways we were replacing that loss of network with our own family and friend support networks.  We examined how the attitudes of students at Warsaw Community High School could be tracked as a sort of cross section of the larger attitudes of their times, in that the youth of the 90s were different than the youth of the 00s were different than the youth of this decade.  We shared personal feelings and went off topic and had a good time in general.

I saved the booklets till the end, because in my experience people tend to be distracted by handouts if given before a discussion.  Everyone grew silent, absorbed in reading, and one person quipped "oh, you edited me to make me sound good, like I asked!"  People really seemed to enjoy seeing themselves within the larger context, in a well-polished distributable format.  Some asked for extra copies, and the remainder I placed by the entrance with the other distributable materials (such as business cards and event flyers).  A few days later, I checked and they hadn't been disappeared, so that's encouraging.  I asked 2 questions on my feedback forms, and got some insightful responses:

What have you learned from the stories/discussion?

• That Warsaw has a rich and vibrant LGBTQI community, despite the conservative atmosphere.  That despite the discrimination, our community sticks together in hard times and continues to diversify the area and spread awareness.
• Queer people are awesome and we will not be silenced by bigotry!
• We are not alone.
• That Warsaw still sucks to live in.
• That no person is the same and the community is more diverse than we think.

How has this impacted your view of yourself within the local community?

• That I am not alone, that I'm included in the conversation, and that I'm a part of making history.  Our stories and lives are important in the scheme of things.
• Helpful to connect with other queer people and learn from each other's experiences.
• We are awesome but marginalized and "dialoguing" isn't something that this community seems to really want to happen... sadly.
• My view of myself hasn't changed. My need for validation from others is diminished.
• As broad as my view is, it's not broad enough to include what I must include. I'm still a child. [Another attendee besides my child was a minor.]

Just as I didn't want to share the booklets till after the discussion, I didn't want to share the blog containing the full-length stories until after the event.  When I got home, I posted a link on the event listing and in various other pages and groups.  lgbt-kc.blogspot.com  I still haven't written my own story.  Well that's not true... the next morning, I opened up a letter from one of my prison pen pals (I write to 2 different trans people in prison), and in it was a thank you for my story, that "it made me feel better in my own skin":

I grew up in a very religious household; attended private Christian school k-9 (public school 10-12), went to church twice a week.  I read the Bible so many times in my childhood that I think I wouldn’t need to read it ever again and I’d still know way more than most people about what’s actually written in it.  My dad didn’t believe that gay people existed (I guess he thought they were making it up?).  So it took me a while to realize that I really was attracted to more than one gender, and that there really wasn’t anything wrong with me for not feeling like a girl/woman. 

My first marriage lasted 4 years, and that’s where Mountain comes from.  I was in the Air Force, then we tried to move to Italy to live with his family (and failed), and it was overall a chaotic relationship.  I kept trying to be the perfect sexy wife for him, and while it was sometimes fun, it was really not a way I could live my life.  I kinda figured out who I was after I left him, but didn’t know what steps I wanted to take in life just yet. 

My next marriage seemed like a step up, because he claimed to accept who I was and never questioned that… but he became more and more sexually abusive, so gradually I didn’t realize what was happening till after he finally left.  That whole time, I was at an insurance brokerage for 6 years, started out as a receptionist then got my license to be an insurance service representative.  I slowly eased into dressing the way I wanted to, and they didn’t exactly like it, but I was their best employee so they let it slide. 

After we moved here, I vowed I’d never live that way again.  No more trying to make other people happy by changing who I am for them.  I’m really glad I finally have someone who supports me and loves me for who I am.  Our wedding was scheduled for June 4, but November is feeling like their anxiety disorder would probably not allow for them to have a relaxed and happy time with people watching them, so we will probably do a private ceremony June 3 and then re-purpose the building we reserved at the park for a picnic.  My friend suggested that since June is LGBT pride month, we should have a Pride Picnic.  I worried that family and friends would be sad that we uninvited them all (so to speak), but they are very loving and supportive.  I am overwhelmed with how much love I have in my life.  A decade ago, I felt so lost and disconnected, and now I am part of a supportive community

I had mentioned in the previous blog post that I had no idea where to begin, not remembering that I had already written this.  I guess what it took for me to be able to talk about myself was to stop thinking about my narrative as something I had to have perfect for my project, and just share from the heart with someone I care about.

Thinking About My Story

I've collected 15 stories so far: some were submitted online, others I sat with them and transcribed what they had to say.  In neither case were they without prompts, though I tried to keep my input to a minimum and let them explore wherever their thoughts took them.  (In one case that resulted in an page of extraneous information I will have to cut, but for the most part people wanted to stay on topic.)  Somehow it seems like it came far easier to every single person than it could possibly come to me.

How could I possibly pick out those parts of my life most relevant to my development of sense of self, as shaped by the context of this small geopolitical region?  Perhaps they are graced with the freshness of the topic.  I've been mulling this over for years, with particular intensity since I began this project.  How could I now unthink that which has already been overthought?  I could write a book.  Some have said I should write a book.  I don't have the time and energy to commit to that sort of project, and I would wither away under the spectre of Future Andy, not knowing what would satisfy their judgemental nature.

While interviewing my girlfriend November, they said that nobody in Kosciusko County has ever helped them develop as a person.  I wondered why they didn't consider me to be under that umbrella.  They pointed out that I was living in St Louis at the time.  I said I don't consider my time spent there to be in isolation of the upbringing in K Co that shaped me.  They still insisted that they cannot give credit to K Co for that, because if I hadn't lived in StL for a while, I would not myself have been situated so as to bring them there to live with me, which helped them find out who they really are.  Two people living in the same household, across two cities, have different perspectives on the same story.  Our sense of self is not only shaped by our surroundings, our sense of self shapes our perception of our surroundings.  How can one story be the "real" one?

Having gathered the raw stories, I need to edit them for readability.  As I read through the stories with an editor's eye, I gather the entirety of the content within my mind, sorting the idea fog into individual little thought clouds shaped like paragraphs.  I am interacting with these stories in a way that further aids their absorption where simple reading or even dialog could not.  Every interaction I have, every new story I absorb, becomes a part of me and shapes my perception both of myself and of the next story I hear.  I feel deeply connected to these people and to my community - I have touched the fringes of the Numinous.

Safety vs Visibility

In working on the Kosciusko County LGBT History Project for class, the question has come up how public to make the public aspect of it.  The class is all about creating and occupying public spaces, so leaving that out isn't really an option.  One of the things about public spaces is the leveling effect it can have.  Conceivably, anyone can walk into a local bar or library and be on the same level as everyone else - nobody gets extra privileges based on their rank or class.  However, as many queer and trans folks know, the cost one often times must pay to access this leveling is our authenticity - everyone gets "leveled" as straight.  Actual straight people give nothing, but queer people pack away much of ourselves into the closet.

Straight is the presumed default (nobody needs to "come out" as straight) so a plain space is not level by default; gay-only spaces are clearly not level either, as a mix is required for leveling.  Visibly affirming diversity seems to be a good solution, in that it gives space for people to know that their identity, whatever it is, is expected to be present.  Straight people may not be comfortable, because it feels like their identity is not being celebrated to the same degree that minority identities are.  Queer people may not be comfortable, because some are very cautious and untrusting of mixed spaces.  Oddly enough, an evenly-distributed level of discomfort might be the truest leveling, as long as prejudice still exists within society.

As I considered where I should hold the physical meeting for this project, I pictured two possible options: an open outdoor venue, or a quiet indoor space.  Anything else would begin to incur monetary fees I am unwilling to cover.  I was leaning toward the more visible option - I think it would be empowering to gather in a supportive collective, sort of a way to "take back" what ought to be our shared public place to begin with.  I have a lot of experience with that from my time spent in St Louis, but I do know that Warsaw residents tend to be a lot quieter, so I decided to check in with local friends before making a final decision.

Most people felt like a quieter space would work better toward drawing people in and allowing them to show a more vulnerable part of themselves.  It was also pointed out that the Diversity Rally is going to take place 2 months later.  (Initially I had hoped to incorporate my project into the Rally itself, but unfortunately it takes place after our semester ends.  I will probably present a reflection on this project at the Rally instead.)  St Louis can have a public action every other weekend, but Warsaw tends to get event-saturated rather quickly - many would view it as superfluous, and one event could draw attendance away from the other.

Ultimately I had to ask myself the question: visible to whom?  It's easy to experience mission drift during the excitement of what's possible.  Over the years of both organizing and providing support to groups and communities, I have learned to watch that tendency within myself and to temper it by reminding myself of my driving principle: service to community and nurturing personal growth within community spaces.  As a member myself, I don't feel bad or misguided when my desires are not the majority with other members, since my needs matter just as much.  But I do try to check in regularly to make sure I'm spending my energy in ways that edify as many of us as possible.

I think a quiet meeting in a publicly-accessible cafe will have the potential to foster dialog.  I say "have the potential", because in my experience, people here still seem to have a skewed idea of dialog that involves talking at the other side, rather than conversing with.  But I think Warsaw needs to have a coming of age.  Trans and queer people have been here the whole time, but the cloak of silence is only recently being lifted.  The population needs to come to terms with our past to accept our present situation and take honest steps forward.

I don't think my family wants a world in which I don't exist, but I don't think they live in a town where their relationship with me and their relationship with conservative Christian culture can yet coexist.  Somehow we have to make that possible.  The reality is people like me will be the ones who have to do the majority of the labor to build that future, and straight people will probably take credit for the results (much like white people take credit for racial progress), but the alternative is far worse, so I choose to side with hope.

Preventing Rape

Everyone at IPFW has to take a rape prevention course, and that's what this post is responding to.  This post is going to cover some heavy topics, including abuse, rape, and (gasp!) my sex life.  If that sounds like too much for you, check out these cute bunnies instead: http://dailybunny.org/ (Seriously, they are adorable.)

My commitment to sexual safety and well-being begins with me.  I love my girlfriend very much, and that love is unconditional.  What I mean by that is, if they don't want to do something, we don't do it.  At all.  Maybe they don't want to have sex for a week, a month, a year, ever?  That's okay.  I'd honestly rather have no sex than bad sex.  I'd rather see their smiling face every morning, than guilt them into reluctant sex and the hurt feelings that follow.  I know they feel the same in return.

We both are rape survivors.  One day I was one of those people who had never been raped, and the next I was asking my husband why he didn't listen to my demands to stop hurting me.  (Protip: there's no good answer to that question.)  My girlfriend's stories are their own, but were based in an incorrect belief that certain people with certain anatomy are incapable of being raped.  My experiences with sexual violence don't define me, but they were difficult parts of my life, and I would never want to make anyone else feel the way I felt.

I already mentioned one way I am committed to a nonviolent approach to relationships: sex is always a benefit of, not a condition for, relationships.  Some other principles I carry with me are a constant checking in with my partner for how they're feeling.  Do you like what I'm doing?  Is there something you'd prefer instead?  Talk!  Be prepared at any moment to switch to cuddles and reassurance.

I need to have a healthy sexual relationship with... myself.  Quite frankly, if I want something done right, I can do it myself.  There's no shame in that, and a healthy relationship partner will recognize that.  Nobody has the right to pressure me to put an end to "me time", and I have no right to pressure anyone else to press pause on their own sexual relationship with themself either.  So if I don't need someone else to get the job done for me, that means I can focus on what is healthy and fun for all of us.

Even though this blog post was about sexual responsibility in particular, these sorts of caring behaviors can be applied to many different aspects of relationships.  For example, just as I have no right to make sexual decisions for my partner(s), I have no right to make other relationship decisions for them either.  I have a tendency to run a tight schedule, and when I neglect to consult my girlfriend on their time and attention needs, they are left out and hurt by the decisions I have made for them.  As long as we are both bringing our needs and wants to the table, with mutual respect and understanding, we will be able to find a solution that maximizes everyone's needs and wants.  We both deserve nothing less, and really that's the foundation that makes our love so sweet.  ❤

Scholarship Essays

It's difficult trying to convince an anonymous panel of judges to give me money.  I need the money, so I'll put in the effort!  It feels so weird having to write about myself as honestly as possible, but in a way that says "I will use the money you give me for the reasons you wish to give it to me" without sounding fake or whatever.

Section 7. Essays

What are your educational and career goals?  How do you plan to achieve them?
My career goal is to serve as an accountant, and my educational goal is to attain the degree in accounting I need to support that career goal. I already have an associates in business, so now I am building upon that educational base. I am a dedicated student who takes every minute of my studies just as seriously as if it were my occupation, because in a sense it is. Once I achieve my educational goal, I also have years of relevant workplace experience I can bring with me to strengthen my future career path and secure stable employment.

Describe why you have chosen your course of study and how you plan to use a higher education to 1) pursue a career, and 2) serve your community.
My course of study is a continuation on my previous workplace experiences. After graduating high school, I immediately entered the US Air Force as an intelligence analyst. There I learned the office skills I was able to take with me to my next places of employment, including the 6 years I worked as a licensed insurance CSR for a small business. That position involved some basic accounting, but I realized that the only way I could achieve accounting as a career goal was through higher education. Once I attain that, I can use my skills to strengthen business in the community. I also intend to connect with charities and nonprofits in the community to offer accounting services on a volunteer basis as I am able.

Describe an aspect of your character you would like the scholarship committee to consider.
My defining virtue is that I have a strong commitment to community. Wherever I am in life, be it in the workplace, a religious community, a support group, or among family, I ask myself "what can I do to strengthen this community and help us grow?" Sometimes this looks like putting in hours of labor for basic support, and sometimes it involves helping come up with and implementing new ideas. I am happy to lead or to follow as my skills are best suited, and I try to reach out to other community members to connect them with areas in which their skills can reach their fullest potential as well. The communities I am in enrich my life in so many ways, and it is my duty to commit myself to the well-being of the people who share that community with me.



(Please give me money.)

Trigger Warnings

Last night my girlfriend had a runny nose, so I went and got a mostly-empty roll of toilet paper and tossed it to them.  I'm one of those funny people who likes bouncing lightweight objects off of others, so it bounced off their chest.  Immediately they started gasping for air like I'd hit them with a fastball.  They dove to the ground and gasped for air, wailing loudly and unnaturally.  Their brother came running and asked what's wrong.  "I'm fine," still wheezing.  "Well, you don't sound fine."  "I'm sorry."  They say that a lot, "I'm sorry," when the PTSD is acting up.

Most people seem not to understand how PTSD really works.  In this case, the glimpse of the toilet paper being casually tossed in the air triggered a physical response, due to its visual similarity to the casual toss of a tear gas bomb that they've previously been exposed to.  As soon as they were hit with a very lightweight TP roll and not a heavy smoldering cannister, they consciously were aware that nothing was wrong, but by then their body had already involuntarily gone into defense mode: restricting airways to keep the gas out.

They apologize a lot, and it makes me sad, because I'm not the one who deserves an apology.  It was a complete accident that I triggered them, and now the best future action is to hand items to them instead of tossing them, to avoid a similar situation.  Even saying "hey, here's your toilet paper" and waiting for comprehension before tossing it would have made a difference (oh hindsight).  This is what's known as a trigger warning, because it is a warning to precede something that would otherwise be triggering without the warning.  That makes all the difference: warning, no trigger; no warning, trigger.

I've seen people get offended by that concept.  It really is a weird thing, as though basic medical facts are something non-medical persons should deny on a whim.  I've seen it framed as "censorship".  I find that odd, because censorship would involve not engaging in the triggering behavior at all, rather than warning about it and then doing it anyway as is typically done.

I've also seen some disagreement between "real PTSD" and "sensitive feelings".  Again I find that odd, because it is a medical fact that abusive behaviors sustained over time are as traumatic as brief life-threatening situations.  This is known as Complex PTSD.  For example, my girlfriend already had sustained trauma from abuse before they ever stepped into a combat zone, and they would never say that the former is somehow more preferable to the latter.

Somewhat more complicated is the issue of exposure therapy, and whether people with PTSD need exposure to recover.  First off, this is not always the case.  Some patients get worse from exposure therapy, not better.  Second, exposure therapy must be supervised by a medical professional!  Trigger warnings are used in non-medical settings because we recognize that we're not medical professionals with the ability to regulate a patent's response to the material, and as a result we could be making their medical condition worse.

So who should be using trigger warnings and for what?  Clearly if I care about my girlfriend, I should take into account their particular needs.  What about my blog?  I try not to get too graphic - I could be wrong, but humans often are, and I'm willing to edit anything to add a warning if the need for a particular one is pointed out.  What about the classroom?  Well, schools are required to comply with ADA accessibility accommodations, and PTSD is disabling, so it's up to the school to work toward making sure everyone has equal access to the same education.  Can we adequately warn everyone about everything?  Probably not, but aim for the moon, and even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Bragging

I currently have a grade of 128% in my commercial law class.  This pleases me.   

(Sometimes I need to post about things that aren't depressing, ya know?)

VaguePosting

I already have a few responses to my survey on LGBT experiences in Kosciusko County.  It's important that people have an anonymous option to tell their stories, because they wouldn't feel safe enough to share otherwise.  This means the people who choose to remain anonymous are probably going to share stories that are on the sadder side: people who have to hide a side of themselves or even a person that they love from others, people who are mistreated and can't even stand up for themselves.

I didn't expect it to get so personal, so quickly.  I mean, nothing so far is surprising, but it's still a lot to process.  A lot of excitement about what it means for the future.  A lot of heartbreak over what it means for the present.  I feel helpless, because I want to make things better, but doing anything at all (outside of the scope of this project) would make it worse.  But being trusted in this way means that I have the opportunity to be a person who is choosing not to cause harm, in a town where it can feel like anyone else with the same opportunity would cause harm.

There's a scene in the film Kinsey (2004) where Liam Neeson depicts Alfred Kinsey having a breakdown, trying to emotionally process the sheer weight of the experiences he's collecting and being crushed beneath them.  The filmmakers use imagery of scattered paperwork and physical nakedness and blood: internally he's falling apart, stripped bare, in pain.  "I couldn't help them."  And the stories he was collecting weren't even those of his people, his community, his loved ones.

"How Do You Have Sex?"

A classmate's creative blog post reminded me of this question I have been asked fortunately rarely, but unfortunately a non-zero number of times, by people who do not need to know.  The succinct answer is "how do I not have sex, amirite!" 😀

The reality is there is no good answer to this question.  The person asking has already brought the awkwardness level to 11, at that point I'm already playing a messy clean-up game.  I could get embarrassed and feel shamed about all the fake sex I'm apparently having.  I could drop everything and whip out the charts and diagrams to prove we trans folk can have real sex too.  Or I could laugh at you.  Quite frankly, life is too short and I enjoy laughter, so that's probably the option I'm going to go with. 😁

My mother has a sort of underlying anxiety about who I partner myself with, seeing as I'm bisexual and might bring home the wrong set of genitals on accident...?  So when I first told her about my current girlfriend, she asked me what gender they are "in their pants".  I told her she needs to go find her own genderqueer person to flirt with, November is mine*. 😂

There are circumstances under which it is actually acceptable to ask me how I have sex.  Are we friends who are already comfortable talking about general sex stuff together?  Are we intending to have sex together, and we actually need to work out the details?  Are you yourself transgender and looking for general advice that is unfortunately rather scarce on the internet?  Then yes, go ahead and ask if my sexual techniques are something I'd be comfortable discussing with you. 😇

Honestly, I kind of feel sorry for the person asking out of a clear disbelief that there is more than one way to do the sexy times.  I kind of want to sit with them a while and hold their hand and say "you poor dear, I know the tunnel seems long and dark, but there is a light at the end, and we can find it together."  But maybe that's what this is all about after all: maybe cis people are trying to steal our superior sexy trans moves from us.  Well you can't have them!  They're ours!! All ours!!!  ...Sigh, I guess I'll share, but only if you ask nicely. 😘



*We're not monogamous, but my mother is.

Warsaw LGBT & Supporters Community

The Warsaw LGBT & Supporters Community are a loosely-organized collective with a minor Facebook presence.  Since I'm taking this class to build a skill set in benefit of my community, it makes sense for my project to be in service to that same community.  The class discussions with previous student about their projects made me wonder "what if nobody contributes to my project?"

Knowing that my anxiety was based primarily in the fear of the unknown, I decided to reach out to the FB group for some preliminary feedback: "I want to record stories of living as a queer and/or trans person in Kosciusko County - officially for a class project, unofficially because WE'RE WORTH IT DAMNIT.  My fear is that nobody will want to share their experiences, even if it's as confidential and anonymous as is possible."

The responses were enthusiastic.  People threw out a few ideas, and one member even connected me with a writer for a Kosciusko county newspaper.  It makes me glad to see that people want this, and that no matter how broad or narrow the reach of my final project, it is already bringing our community together.

Black Lives Matter

I don't know if I'll be able to complete the assignment for tomorrow.  I don't want to relive the terror of leaving live web feeds streaming while I try to get some sleep, waking up when things get loud, desperately checking the feed to see if I can spot my girlfriend in the rainbow hat I crochet'd for them to know that they're still safe.  One time I woke up to everyone trapped in MoKaBe's (a true Third Place), because the owner offered the people protection, so the cops surrounded the building and teargassed unarmed civilians including children.  I don't want to relive that moment - a swift google can find you the details.  But what I am going to share is a video filmed on the same location, a few nights later.  See if you can spot the tall girl in the rainbow hat [bottom-right corner].  See if you can feel the wash of relief that comes from knowing they might return home safe that night.

More information on the speaker in this video, Reverend Osagyefo Sekou, can be find in this Op-Ed for NBC.  I'm an atheist, but I hear the spiritual truths resonating in his words:

For young, poor black single mothers, kids with tattoos sagging their pants—anything less than putting your body on the line for them and being willing to pick up your cross in the case of state violence against them is heresy. You betray Christ if you do anything less.

Perhaps I can finish this assignment; and if I start to feel I am losing, I can listen to the heartbeat.

Cultural Genocide

In 1944, Raphael Lemkin created the term "genocide", defining it as “a coordinated strategy to destroy a group of people, a process that could be accomplished through total annihilation as well as strategies that eliminate key elements of the group's basic existence, including language, culture, and economic infrastructure. [0]”

I don't know the history of my people.  We seek fragments here and there, guesses based on hints in what documents have survived systemic cover-ups [1].  We were not the subject of academic research, except in the pursuit of a method to eliminate our kind [2].

I have not inherited the traditions of my people.  Our stories are re-written with other people in our roles, taking credit for our accomplishments [3].  Our rituals and celebrations are ridiculed and outlawed [4, 5].

I do not get to see examples of people like me living happily ever after.  We're the ones who are are disappeared, forced to pretend to be something we're not to blend in, snatched away and hidden in mental institutions designed to "cure" us by slowly killing us, murdered and filed away under another name and identity. [6]

From birth I was told "You do not exist. There are no words apart from slurs for people like you. You have no community. There is no place for you in our schools and workplaces."  Strategies that "eliminate key elements of the group's basic existence, including language, culture, and economic infrastructure.”

Forgive me if I don't see this as a matter of "personality differences". [7]

~

[0] Genocide

[1] The history gets fuzzy a few decades before the present.  Perhaps scholars may find a few hidden source documents from earlier than that, but most likely family and friends burned any secrets that they didn't want lingering to tarnish their names.  History of Transgender People in the USA

[2] Reparative Therapy

[3] Response to Stonewall Movie

[4] Trans Stereotypes in the Media

[5] History of Laws Against Cross-Dressing

[6] You google it. I've already seen too much of this in one lifetime.

[7] I realize any number of black/indigenous/latina, disabled, etc people could have written a similar post that would indict my whiteness, and I don't deny that one bit.

Creeps in Your Restroom!

There is a chance that any time you or your loved ones enters a public restroom, that they could be sharing it with a sex offender.  Child molesters, voyeurs/exhibitionists, date rapists - these are all people who buy the same groceries as us, eat at the same restaurants as us, and fill up at the same gas stations as us.  If you were the type to be concerned about safety in public restrooms, and believed that legislation were an effective tool to protect restroom patrons (I don't), what could you do about this situation?  If your answer is to outlaw transgender people... you just might be Indiana Republican state Sen. Jim Tomes.

What about the other sector of society of people that who have all through the decades women been using women’s restrooms and men been using men’s restrooms and kind of like that and kind of expect that level of privacy? Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Forget people who are actually tried-and-convicted sex offenders; the real danger has been me all along!  Nevermind that if there really were an epidemic of cross-dressing predators peeping under bathroom stalls, Fox News would be plastering their mug shots all over the scare pieces in a never-ending parade of shame.  But the real stories of abuse and violence against peaceful transgender folks in public spaces get pushed to the back pages of news websites.

In many states, there has never been a law explicitly against using the "wrong" restroom.  So why after over 100 years of trans people in multi-user public restrooms (yes, we've always been using them, even if you didn't notice) do we suddenly need laws to segregate and outlaw us?  Honestly, it's for the money.  This is a great way to scare people into donating money to the political campaign or advocacy organization of their choice.  I'm including pro-LGBT orgs here - they use fear tactics to profit from our situation too.

Even if laws were passed explicitly to protect people like me, we still wouldn't be safe.  Assault is already illegal, and people still regularly assault trans folks anyway.  We cannot be safe in a society that demands segregation.  I mean that in the fullest sense.  We cannot be safe in a society that demands separate yet equal restrooms.  Racial segregation dates back to 1849; separate gendered restrooms came later, in 1887.  Segregated restrooms have always been racist as well as sexist, and as such will always be unsafe.

P.S.  I figured out how to find the single-user restrooms on campus.  It's a solution - inadequate on a societal level, but it's the solution available to me right here right now, so I'll take it.

What Pronouns Do You Use?

The correct thing to do, when one doesn't know or cannot remember a person's name or pronouns, is to ask.  I don't know any trans person who has a problem with that question, though many prefer to be asked in private for their own comfort and safety. (More info about pronouns and social etiquette here.)  I did actually have a professor refer to me as "they", simply because he did not know what to call me, and in doing so accidentally got my pronoun correct.  It is correct to use they/them/their/theirs for me, but I don't expect most people would know without asking.

For a lot of cis people [cis = not trans; trans = not cis], being referred to with incorrect pronouns is rare and easily corrected.  For people who do not look like a stereotypical "he" or "she", or people like me who use other pronouns, it would become burdensome were we to explain ourselves or correct others at each new interaction with another human being.  Do I say something to the kid checking my groceries?  (Who has time?)  Do I say something to my girlfriend's parents who won't take a hint from me putting extra emphasis on they when we talk about my GF/their child?  (Not all trans girls prefer "she".)  Do I want introductions to turn into a tedious Transgender 101 lesson by guest professor Andy Semler every time I step into a new classroom?  (Maybe I'll get an honorarium!)  I say all this - not because I don't think cis people want to learn, nor do I resent teaching - to illustrate that it really would be a lot of work for me, were I not to let things slide on a regular basis.

I don't think this is unique to trans people.  People who speak in an accent other than American Midwest, people who use wheelchairs, etc. are also regularly subject to the question "do I address this situation or do I leave it be?"  For each individual, the balance will look different.  I tend to save most of my energy for pre-planned settings (like this blog) and for interactions with other trans people and with close friends.  As I mentioned on my previous post, we already have so little access to information about ourselves that sharing of myself is a way to give back to the community.  Explaining myself to outsiders can sometimes feel like I'm being put on trial; explaining myself to the community is an act of love.

So what can the average person do?  Don't stop asking the important questions!  Name & pronouns, comfort & safety - nobody can tell you what an individual needs better than that individual.  But don't hesitate to learn about the broader issues on your own.  "Do you have any educational resources you can recommend?" is a question I wish more people would ask, because it shows a desire to learn more and a respect for my personal time and space.  I will put some links in the side-bar to this blog, and recommend this website first: http://transwhat.org/debunked/

W422 Blast Off at the Speed of Light

"That sounds like Team Rocket," a friend quips.  I had just shared our list of course objectives with them.  Of all the classes I've ever taken, this one excites me the most.  I think it has the greatest potential to enhance my personal life - I'm a transgender community organizer.  Sure my intended degree is accounting and my work history is insurance, but that's just how I earn money.  Community building is what I'm doing with my life.

• To create public spaces for creative/critical thought and action 

The most difficult part, when I came to realize that I'm transgender, was the complete lack of public examples for me to draw from.  How can I know that I'm even possible, if I'm the first one I've ever met?  This struck me as deeply unjust (especially since we are everywhere), so I set out to create online space and connect with others who were doing the same.  At first it was rough: a small blog here, a tiny group there.  But over the years, we reached out to more and more people with the message "you matter to me; I'm here for you".

• To recognize and creatively reframe binary oppositions of thought and language

On the one hand, I'm tired of being expected to remind everyone that I exist, whenever they fall back into binary ways of framing the world.  My inconvenient existence doesn't mean I signed up for teaching unpaid lessons on demand.  On the other, I can't really avoid the clash that comes when I take up space in a binary world, and it would be better for my mental health to engage in a dynamic that reminds others where their responsibilities lie, in a way that enables both of us to live better lives.

• To work with and against the “enabling constraints” of various forms of discourse

"The Discourse".  Every trans person I know refers to it with a tone of scorn in their writing, but we can't help but keep circling back around to it.  To a certain extent, the gender binary (the legal and social imposition of a male/female dichotomy beginning at birth) is an enabling constraint.  We seek to be liberated from the binary, but while the binary framework still exists, we are able to use its language to describe certain sexist dynamics in ways that otherwise wouldn't make sense.  I admit that is circular reasoning and will have to think on this further.  I'll have plenty of time for that; The Discourse isn't going anywhere soon.

• To learn how to make good use of diversity and difference as the necessary “friction” of creativity

Oh geez y'all don't even realize.  Everyone is trans.  I could say "anyone is trans", but I don't think that captures the reality.  Think of some kind of person, any kind of person at all: there is someone in existence who fulfills all of those qualities and is also transgender.  This creates all kinds of interesting (to say the least) conflicts.  For example, most transgender people would like everyone to know that our experiences are vastly different from those of Caitlyn Jenner, but the media keeps portraying her as a trans archetype.  The resulting in-community dialog has resulted in all sorts of new understandings of what it looks like when transmisogyny plays out in the media and amongst ourselves, and how we can create healthier messages of support and celebration for our diversity as a collection of unique individuals.  This dialog isn't something that will make the headlines, though, not like reality TV celebrities do.  Do not expect our revolution to be televised.

• To shape writerly identities that foster both personal growth and social change. 

I hope so.  Part of me worries this will lead to more talk less action.  But I hope to direct my talk into actions, to allow the writing to become what grounds me when I move in the world.

• To understand how discourse is shaped by specific spaces and places and how those assist and/or disrupt community formation. 

This was very obvious in St Louis, where the address of the community meeting venue would more or less determine the racial composition of the attendees.  Too often I saw meetings advertised for south city, and sure enough it would be 90% white.  The black population primarily resided in the north, and were more likely to rely on public transportation, so why didn't we situate more meetings near them and let the white folks with cars absorb the inconvenience?  I don't have any nice answers to that question.

• To write yourselves into forms, identities, and spaces that matter to you and that will bring you into deeper engagement with diverse communities. 

Writing myself into the world is often times the only way I can see myself in existence.  Forms with drop-down menus only offering "Mr/Mrs/Miss" are a fantasy; my reality is a long-form response.   We flee from spaces where we cannot exist.  We whisper to each other where we may thrive, and there we gather.  As mentioned above, this can sometimes result in our biases granting access to too narrow of a demographic, forgetting that where we seek the comfort of similarity we must also embrace difference.  I don't think this tension can ever be resolved - I hope it never is!  So much of our dynamic creativity would be diminished.  We must constantly reinvent ourselves to truly thrive, and I enjoy every minute of it.

Rap is Creativity; Rap is Community

October of 2014, Ferguson October, we gathered in the lawn across from the courthouse, the place infamous for denying Dred Scott his personhood under the law.  We are rallying together to mourn what is lost and to build strength for what is possible.

Kiener Plaza, St Louis, MO

Woop-woop, that's the sound of da police
Woop-woop, that's the sound of da beast

The crowd gets a little more energized.  Some people start rapping along.  I listen along for a while, then I look around me and observe the physical space we are occupying, and recognize this space as a product of the music.

You need a little clarity, check the similarity
The overseer rode around the plantation
The officer is off, patrolling all the nation
The overseer could stop you what you're doing
The officer will pull you over just when he's pursuing

The lyrics are clever, the WHOOP is catchy.  KRS-One is taking his experiences and those of his community, and creating a work of art to share with them.  Then, by replaying this work at the rally, the community is creating physical space for themselves.

The police them have a little gun
So when I'm on the streets, I walk around with a bigger one

The physical boundaries of this community space has been delineated by the audible range of the lyrics.  Anyone within the space who can hear it will be confronted with its charged message - those who identify with it can stay and share their common values with others, and those who find it hostile to themselves can tolerate their awkward outsider status or leave.

KRS One - Sound of Da Police

Chants of protesters and activists have frequently been borrowed from rap, and vice versa.  "No justice, no peace!" we shout.  Then the artists go to their studios and create lyrics that expand their message.

Warrior Minded feat. Dramatik - No Justice, No Peace

Similarly, people on the streets draw from popular songs for their chants, such as when protesters reminded each other “We gon’ be alright.”

Protesters Chanting Lyrics

Kendrick Lamar - Alright

Rap has always been a way to create community space and convey narratives of shared experiences.  I'll leave the details to the experts, but here are a few more examples I highly recommend you experience:

Queen Latifah, Yo-Yo, Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes (of TLC), MC Lyte, Patra, Nefertiti, Da 5 Footaz, Salt-N-Pepa, Meshell Ndegeocello and others... the song was a tribute to women of the past like Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King, Shirley Chisholm, and Angela Davis who played major roles in black resistance, as well as the empowerment of women of the present.

Beyoncé - Ghost

Thoughts on capitalism being at odds with creativity.

Miss Bolivia ft. Rebeca Lane & Ali Gua Gua – Libre Atrevida y Loca

Featuring femmes of all sorts of gender expressions and filmed in Argentina, Guatemala, and Mexico (where Miss Bolivia, Lane, and Ali Gua Gua are from, respectively) .

Angel Haze - Same Love (remix of Macklemore & Ryan Lewis)

The only version of this song anyone ever needs to hear.