What Pronouns Do You Use?

The correct thing to do, when one doesn't know or cannot remember a person's name or pronouns, is to ask.  I don't know any trans person who has a problem with that question, though many prefer to be asked in private for their own comfort and safety. (More info about pronouns and social etiquette here.)  I did actually have a professor refer to me as "they", simply because he did not know what to call me, and in doing so accidentally got my pronoun correct.  It is correct to use they/them/their/theirs for me, but I don't expect most people would know without asking.

For a lot of cis people [cis = not trans; trans = not cis], being referred to with incorrect pronouns is rare and easily corrected.  For people who do not look like a stereotypical "he" or "she", or people like me who use other pronouns, it would become burdensome were we to explain ourselves or correct others at each new interaction with another human being.  Do I say something to the kid checking my groceries?  (Who has time?)  Do I say something to my girlfriend's parents who won't take a hint from me putting extra emphasis on they when we talk about my GF/their child?  (Not all trans girls prefer "she".)  Do I want introductions to turn into a tedious Transgender 101 lesson by guest professor Andy Semler every time I step into a new classroom?  (Maybe I'll get an honorarium!)  I say all this - not because I don't think cis people want to learn, nor do I resent teaching - to illustrate that it really would be a lot of work for me, were I not to let things slide on a regular basis.

I don't think this is unique to trans people.  People who speak in an accent other than American Midwest, people who use wheelchairs, etc. are also regularly subject to the question "do I address this situation or do I leave it be?"  For each individual, the balance will look different.  I tend to save most of my energy for pre-planned settings (like this blog) and for interactions with other trans people and with close friends.  As I mentioned on my previous post, we already have so little access to information about ourselves that sharing of myself is a way to give back to the community.  Explaining myself to outsiders can sometimes feel like I'm being put on trial; explaining myself to the community is an act of love.

So what can the average person do?  Don't stop asking the important questions!  Name & pronouns, comfort & safety - nobody can tell you what an individual needs better than that individual.  But don't hesitate to learn about the broader issues on your own.  "Do you have any educational resources you can recommend?" is a question I wish more people would ask, because it shows a desire to learn more and a respect for my personal time and space.  I will put some links in the side-bar to this blog, and recommend this website first: http://transwhat.org/debunked/